The Paradox Of Motherhood: How To Balance Mom Guilt And Self-Care

Mom guilt can generally be described as an overall feeling that you’re not doing well with your kids, not doing enough as a parent, not spending enough time with your children, or that you’re making decisions that might affect or mess up their life.

Sometimes the more intense feelings of guilt can be temporary – for example, when you leave your child in front of the TV for too long, or when you decide to go out without them for an evening. Some mothers feel guilt as a constant burden on their shoulders, while others can literally go into a state of anxiety, blaming themselves most of the time and for many things. In this article, #MommyVeronika has put together a few common reasons why moms often feel guilty, as well as answers to why this shouldn’t be the case.

1. Thinking that you are a bad mother
”I am bad because I scolded the child” or because ”I let my child sleep in bed with me” or because ”I feed my child formula..  ride them in a stroller.. carry them in a sling .. put them to sleep, do not put them to sleep .. allow this, forbid that…” Every mother, especially with her first child, doubts everything anyway. And if in addition there are relatives who blame her for things, the feeling of guilt will be guaranteed.
What can help? Take just one guru as an example – be it Dr. Spock, Dr. Mock or anyone else – it doesn’t matter, nor does he or she have to be a doctor – it could be another mother, your midwife, etc. Try to listen to the advice of only one person at a time, as well as (and even better) your inner motherly feeling. Learn how to trust yourself. After all, no one knows your child better than you do. 



2. Worrying that you don’t love your child enough
Maternal instinct is a complex feeling that is not developed in just one day. It is hindered by hormonal problems, stress, depression, physical and mental exhaustion. Many mothers worry that they do not feel affection or a rush of tenderness at the sight of their child. And not a  small part of them are afraid to talk about it.
What can help? First and foremost – don’t give in to the negative thoughts. Very often these thoughts come right after birth. In these cases, they are due to the change in hormone levels and go away as suddenly as they came up to 2 weeks postpartum. If you are still worried, however, help from loved ones who can take over routine household chores, for example, to allow you to rest and bond with the baby might be exactly what you need. If this does not reassure you either, you can always ask for a consultation with a specialist.

3. Thinking that you are not keeping your child busy enough
You work or are busy with the household all day, because of which you often don’t have enough quality time to spend with your child, depriving them of your attention. Your mom friends also add to your guilt by taking their kids swimming, doing yoga, learning a foreign language, or other activities all day long.. or so you think?
What can help? Common sense. What will learning a foreign language in kindergarten give your child? Let kids be kids! You’ll have plenty of time to sign them up for any extracurricular activities once they start school. For this, do not feel guilty if they do not go to additional lessons from the age of 3. And, by the way, washing the salad for dinner or preparing it together with your little one will also be an important lesson for them.

4. Not finding time for your husband
While you are simultaneously dealing with the child, home, work and all the other things, the thought that your man is dying for lack of caresses and love also starts to haunt you more and more often. Until at some point you decide that he will definitely find someone else and your relationship is about to fall apart! Well, these are definitely some rather unpleasant thoughts…
What can help? Relatives that will provide you with the time you need just for the two of you. For example, 1 or 2 nights a month where you can go out and reminisce about how you two were before the kids. Also, including dad in a family fun event, such as a picnic out of town or a sightseeing trip, would help you stop worrying about the negative thoughts.



5. Doing ”nothing” all day long
Usually, “nothing” means that mommy made a two-course dinner instead of a three-course one, ironed only half the laundry, and took the kids out for just one hour, not more. You can certainly sense where this one is going …
What can help? If you often end the day thinking you haven’t gotten anything done, a list of tasks for the day to check off would be quite helpful. This will make it clear what exactly “nothing” consists of. Be guided by the rule “a little is better than nothing”. And in the end if you couldn’t get the child out for two hours – let it be for half.

6. Paying too much attention to life outside the home
This usually happens when you want to go out for a coffee with friends or for a massage. In general, whenever you start thinking of going out somewhere without your baby and do something for yourself to feel better. After all, often, friends of new mothers do not yet have children and continue to live carefree lives. That’s why women with babies dream of being able to go out sometime for a few hours and have fun with their girlfriends. However, in many cases they end up feeling guilty just thinking about it!
What can help? Of course, if you’re not somewhere every day, all day, you don’t have to worry about the fact that, for example, once a week you decided to steal a few hours for yourself. As long as you have someone you rely on and trust to take care of your child, there’s nothing wrong with a little self pampering.

7. Not paying any attention to yourself
It is difficult to imagine a mother (especially with a small baby in her arms) who devotes enough time to herself. Objectively, the time for long standing in the bath, fixing the manicure, reading novels and learning languages temporarily does not exist.
What can help? An effort of will to still find time for yourself. Let it be five to ten minutes in which you pay attention to just yourself every day. The ideal way to do this is by asking your husband to join in looking after the children for half an hour. In reality, this is only 30 minutes of his time, in which any woman could do a lot of work on herself, and then feel 30 times better.



8. Comparing yourself to other moms that manage to ”do it all”
Mother guilt can have many origins, from personal insecurities to external pressures from family, friends, social media and other sources. The truth is that the expectations placed on mothers are limitless and this turns out to be a problem for many women who constantly think they are not good enough parents.
What can help? Don’t compare yourself! Other mothers and their relationships with their children should not be a basis of comparison for you. You and your child are a separate “team” and your overall satisfaction can depend on various things. After all, if you see your child happy and calm, then you are definitely on the right track and you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. 

And the most important tip – learn to seek and ask for help. Many fail at this and try their hardest to be superhero moms until one day they wake up totally exhausted and drained from their daily routine.
Try to involve the grandmothers, aunts and fathers in the care of the child, so that you can find some time for yourself and last but not least – forget about perfectionism. You don’t have to take care of the child perfectly – it’s enough to do it with love. Learn to not blame yourself.